I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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