New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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