I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
