It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
