Don't make out with my wife yet
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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