i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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