People with herpes should wear stickers.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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