What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
