we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
