He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
