the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
