dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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