Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
