Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
