Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
