So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
