Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
