Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
