What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
