My entire life is one complicated drinking game
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
