I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
