She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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