I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
