I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
dude. I can hear the air.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
