why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
