R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
