His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
