Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
