Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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