You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
