he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
