I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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