Got a toothbrush?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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