I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
