3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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