There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
