I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
