2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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