Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
