hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
