I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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