her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
