Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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