Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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