Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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