I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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