Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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