He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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