I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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