I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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