My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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