a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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