I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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