please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You took a bar mat shot.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
