I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
