Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
