apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
