Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
