Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
