Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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