I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
