I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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