My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
