why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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