Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
