so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
