i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize