Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
