The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
