I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
