Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
